& making too many excuses for the ones who leave it.
These feelings of being manipulated is just…too familiar..too soon.
My heart is in my stomach, my pride is crumbling, still with hope, attempting to hold it together. I just dont….can’t….won’t do this anymore….
Disconnect me permanently.
They always want what they can’t handle. I give them every piece of me, every ounce of my Love..every millisecond of my time and yet it’s still not enough. I change my ways, cover up my natural appearance, change my surroundings & lower my standards..am I good enough yet?
I put on a show to be your personal entertainment, exposing parts of myself that I’m not even comfortable with you seeing yet…but I do it, just to keep you interested…you tell me I’m yours..along with many more & I continue to hold the shatterings together while my Love for you goes completely ignored.
I channel my sadness for attention but no amount of tears would ever drive you to listen. Your focus was elsewhere, & even though I couldn’t see it, I could feel it. The knots in my stomach from witnessing your manish affection for other women, then I remember thats how you got me in the beginning..& yet it still wasn’t enough, I couldnt give up on this man that I Loved..or so I thought..though he didn’t provide me with stability, security, or honesty, I settled for what he had because I knew..somehow…I just…knew.
But as the days got colder & our Love grew older, I noticed I was becoming every part of you, walking, talking..resembling pieces of you that neglected my affection & efforts for you.
Screaming. Asking..myself; Why cant I be what you need?! Why do I have to imprison myself while it’s okay for you to be free?! All I ever wanted was to Love you because I thought the feeling was mutual but instead…it’s as if, you played with me whenever it was convenient for your needs, then set me aside & fill my head up with lies..this woman i’ve created for you, isn’t me!
……..
Sitting on the floor, having conversations with my reflection, She told me I was beautiful & that I didn’t need to hide behind your discernment anymore, that I always had it all but i was too afraid to confront my flaws..the tears began to fall & everything I had masked, it all effortless fell off..I began to notice, through the tears and the makeup, the true beauty in me, as my reflection spoke that I was fit to be a Queen & that one day I will meet my Soulmate & they will appreciate..my curves that matches well with my height, my golden honey tresses that beams so very bright & my beautiful Soul that could light up the night sky, I will be free with someone who complements me & allows me to be okay with being a woman, even on those days I choose not to be human, these thoughts full of possibilities run wild throughout my mind but I feel it, I believe it. I am highly aware of my worth & im well deserving of what I deserve.
So when I release you from my presence, it’s a pain in my heart that I can finally live with, I no longer blame myself for your mistakes because I know, eventually, down the road, you’ll kick your own ass for letting go of something so great. How does that better bitch Karma taste?
I just….need to be handled…one good time.
Hiding behind your pride, in fear of facing the numerous lies that split between those deceiving lips.
My satellite ears, picking up every word, movement & feeling..knowing what hid behind what you were concealing but my heart, filled with emotion & Love, knew no better, just the potential of a broken togetherness, never believing i was good enough or maybe…i was and you just couldnt handle my provided attention & Love.
Sometimes the screams can drown out the memories but the pain can be an everlasting feeling.
I wish I knew what’s hurting you..what has your emotions in turmoil, you speak in silence, you move so abruptly into stillness..banging on the walls of your mind of entrapment, concealing your feelings with fictitious healing…
Walking in the path of your dreams but you dont recognize the footprints, the trail of greatness left behind, the Souls you’ve met along the way..it’s almost as if the pieces of who you are have strayed away. Take my hand & I promise I can make you believe again, you dont have to feel alone, tip toeing, through the darkness of your mind. We share the same pain, i’ll help guide you to Love & the leftover remains. I’ll wipe the tears that drown these ink filled words & set them free to the universe, so that you can find your way back into life.
Oh, beautiful one, you withhold so much power, so much beauty. What you feel is the strength embedding into the depths of your Soul. You’re almost there, with so far to go. Hold your head to the sky, we’ve come too far to let our dreams die.
I’ll look you in the eyes, grab your hand & you’ll continue to sing that same song again..
“I can feel the heartache growing in my veins, as the tears from my Soul drip onto the guitar strings…”
Trying to stand back on my feet but all I can envision is an old reflection of me, with the world on my shoulders as I fall to my knees..praying for my mind to set my Soul free.
Found what I’ve been searching for without looking, im enjoying the view until the moment I can finally have you.
I can’t..I won’t chase you because every time I think I have you in the palm of my hand, you slip through my fingers & there I am, standing alone again.
